The Gay & Lesbian Community

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers? Well-endowed.

Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Why do gay men make good linemen?
They love penetrating the defense.

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s home?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Where do Australians get virgin wool?
From the ugly sheep

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down? Slap the bitch.

What 3 things do gays like to do the most?
Eat, Drink, and be Mary.

What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A fruit stand.

Mums have Mother’s Day, Dads have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.

Why did the gay suspect his lover had been cheating on him?
He came home shit-faced.

Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
He loved taking deliveries in the rear.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”

What’s the hardest thing gays find about dealing with aids?
Leaving their friends behind.

If a light sleeper sleeps with the light on… what does a hard sleeper sleep with?

Why couldn’t the gay quarterback make it in the NFL?
He was too forward with his passes.

How do you know if you’ve got a high sperm count? Your boyfriend chews before he swallows!

Why are scientists having trouble finding a cure for aids?
They can’t get the mice to butt-fuck.

How do you make a lesbian anorexic eat?
Put pussy hair around her dinner plate.

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”

What do you call a fart in the men’s room of a gay bar?
A love call.

What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar?
He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
A Heblew

Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
He loved it in the can.

Why was the gay sergeant fired?
For the way he drilled his troops.

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he’s been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff dutifully arrests the fag and says to him, “ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!”

The fag says, “I’ll need at least two hours.”

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

What did one gay dentist say to the other?
You have the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.

What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What does a gay man call his testicles?
Mud flaps.

Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?

They kept trying each other.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.

One says to the other…”What kind of ship is that?” “Container ship.”

“OK, what’s that one over there?” “Oil Tanker.”

“How about that one?” “That’s a ferry boat.”

“Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!”

What’s the most popular pick up line in a gay bar ?
“May I push in your stool ?”

What’s the leading cause in death with lesbians?
Hair balls.

Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.

The gay man had come to have a tooth extracted. The dentist approached him with a hypodermic and said, “you might feel a little prick in your mouth at first.” The patient smiled and said, “thank you”.

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass.

What’s the difference between a fag and a microwave? A microwave won’t brown your meat.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn’t like the way he was being reared.

A drunk guy walks into a bar. He looks to the left and says “You’re all a bunch of assholes”. Then he looks to the right and says “you’re all a bunch of queers”. Suddenly, a man on the left side of the room jumps up starts to run to the other side of the room. The drunk guy roars, “where do you think you’re going”. To which the man replies, “I’m on the wrong side of the room”.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron? Went around blowing fuses.

Two gay engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, “Nice bike. How much?” The first said , “It was free.” The other asked, “Wow, how did you get it for free?” The one with the bike said,” Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted.” The other engineer said, “Good move! Her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What is the space between the cock and the asshole? A chin rest.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don’t do dick!

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. “Dad” he says, “on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn’t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass” “Well did you jump?” asks his dad. “Just a little at first” answered the boy.

Two condoms are walking past a gay bar one turns to the other and says “You wanna go in there and get shit-faced?”

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off.

What’s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, “Ride that sucker”

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard.

How do you know when you are in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.

How can you tell if your at a gay picnic?

All the Hotdogs smell like shit.

An Arab prince was arriving by plane at Heathrow airport, UK. Before entering the UK you have to fill in an immigration sheet and the flight attendant has just distributed those papers to the passengers. In the box for SEX in the card the Arab prince wrote “Yes, please”. The flight attendant collected the papers but came back to the Arab prince and said “Sir, here you have to write “male” or ‘female”. The prince said, “Oh, it doesn’t matter for me.”

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lick-a-lot-o-puss.

What’s long, hard and full of semen? A submarine.

What’s another name for hemorrhoids?

Speed Bumps.

Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Why can’t gay men get jobs in sperm banks?
They’re always caught drinking on the job.

A Jew an Italian and a black man are sitting at a bar, the Jew says, “Even though I was circumcised, my cock is huge, probably the biggest in the room” to which the Italian replies, ” You are friggin’ kidding me, everyone knows there is nothing better than an Italian stallion, I am hung like a horse” The black guys says, “You crackers are crazy! No white guy is ever hung like a black man!” The bartender says, “Well, there is one way to find out, whip them out.” So all three guys unzip and wap them on the counter. Just then a gay guy comes in and screams “OOOOH!!! I’ll have the BUFFET!!!!”

What does a gay guy call a condom?
…seal a meal.

Ten shepherds are out in the sheep field. How do you know which one is gay? He’s the one the sheep fuck.

What would you call 2 gay “Bobs'’?

“Oral Roberts”!

Have you heard of that gay Indian? He jumped into the canoe, took four strokes and shot over the lake.

What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you take the meat out!

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Gay Jokes » A Week in Hell

Gay Jokes » Gay Guys In Heaven

Gay Jokes » Gay Translator

Gay Jokes » Confused Bank Robber

Gay Jokes » Gay Problems

Gay Jokes » Unused Lover

Gay Jokes » Blowing Smoke

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, “What’s the name of your penis?”

The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike,’ for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers,’ because ‘It really Satisfies.”

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?”

The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.”

The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?”

The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!”

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?”

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job 1.’ ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?”

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is ‘Secret.’ Now give me my beer.”

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?”

The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

If you have a Joke to share post it here…Love to hear from you all.

“Do hearts have legs?.”

Little Johnny once asked his teacher “Do hearts have legs?.”

The teacher answered “Why do you ask that?”

Johnny replied “Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.”

“mommy’s black sponge.”

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, “Oh, that’s mommy’s black sponge.”

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, “Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!”

She replies, “I lost it, honey.”

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, “Mommy, I found your black sponge!” Mystified, she says, “Where, honey?”

Little Johnny says, “It’s over at Mrs. Johnson’s house, and Daddy’s washing his face in it!”

“Mommy’s Balloons”

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys’ dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!” His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

“The birds and the Bee’s”

Little Johnny’s father asked him, “Do you know about the birds and the bees?”

“I don’t want to know!” little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” Little Johnny sobbed, “At age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

“substitute teacher”

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”

The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.”

“That’s right!” she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

“Word Game”

In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter “B” and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he’d say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter “P”, and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he’d say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter “R”, and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn’t think of a bad word that started with “R” so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said “Rat” …. “A Big Mother Fucking Rat”

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Drinking to forget

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender
asked, “What’s wrong.”

The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry about that buddy.”

After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas.
The bartender enquires, “What’s wrong now?” To which the guy
responds that he found out that his older son was gay, too. The
bartender says that he’s sorry.

The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The
bartender burst out, “Isn’t anyone in your family gettin’ any
pussy?!” and the guy looks up and sneers, “Yeah, my wife!!!!!”

Identity Crisis

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, “Are you a real cowboy?” To which he replied, “Well, I have
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences. I guess I am.”

After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, “I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women.”

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
To which he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out
that I’m a lesbian.”

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